I’m much better today. And I realized something (potentially profound) yesterday afternoon. Even on the worst days … I want to live more than I want the pain to stop. My blood pressure was a little high yesterday afternoon (it’s been doing that lately … another effect of stress) and my head was roaring. I just didn’t feel good. And all of a sudden … at the exhausted end of a long miserable day … I found myself praying, “Dear God, let me live!” And it made me laugh. I hope He can laugh at me!
And Mom … The BP goes back down as soon as I get home. Interesting, isn’t it?
Depression is such a joy-sucker! I over react to just about everything. I don’t know anymore if it’s a reasonable response to be sad or angry about something or if that response is just depression raising it’s ugly head! I sat in my doctor’s office this morning with tears running down my face and told her that I know I am stuck in a vicious cycle! Depression causes pain. Pain causes depression. And on and on it goes. The fact that there are other sad, and hurtful, things in my life just complicates things. It’s not pretty!
The Cymbalta prescription has helped the arthritis pain in my knees quite a lot. Not really doing anything for my neck yet. Yesterday I would have told you that it was also working on my depression. Today … not so sure! She said that I need to be at this level for 2 more weeks and then we’ll increase it again. Eventually we should find a level that works for both my pain and my depression. I just hope eventually isn’t too far away! In the meantime she wants to increase my Lyrica because of the pain in my neck and arm. I was just glad we didn’t ADD any drugs this time! Someday I really want to be prescription free! I have to have another Cervical Epidural Steroid Injection on the 21st. Please pray that it doesn’t leave me uncomfortable because that’s the day before we drive to Nashville.
I have been so overwhelmed by sorrow lately (define lately … how long has it been, months, years, seems like forever) that I grasp every tiny bit of hope or joy and cling to it until I nearly choke the life out of it. It’s partly the depression. Partly my need to control things … in a world where things are completely out of control!
We have been visiting a new (to us) smaller church lately. I’ve even been to one of the life groups a couple of times. Part of me wants to plug in there and start building relationships. The other part wants to run away, hide, protect myself from hurt and rejection. It’s so much easier to be anonymous in a mega-church … to go worship and be *entertained* than it is to dig in and get involved. Don’t get me wrong … we have been under EXCELLENT teaching and God is moving in BIG ways at TCABC. It’s just too easy for me to hide there.
I have felt this incredible longing for friendship lately. I keep people at arm’s length. Always have. If I don’t let you too close … your ability to hurt me is minimized. But somehow … in this season … I need someone, beyond my family, who cares. We’ve started building that with Caleb’s family. (Caleb is the guy that Josiah went to Nepal with.) It’s been wonderful and I have loved it. But there is a part of my heart that is stomping on the brakes and yelling “Retreat!” especially since things just got a little more complicated.
After watching his siblings, and some of his friends, make choices that have hurt themselves and others, Josiah has chosen the courtship model for relationships with girls. No one has ever made it past the sister-friend stage … until now. He asked Caleb’s dad last night for permission to court Hannah, Caleb’s sister. Bill (dad) asked Josiah to wait until she turns 19 in June. Josiah seems to be fine with that but I’m struggling. They like each other NOW. Flirting is happening NOW. It’s just feels awkward and stressed. I understand the sentiment but it is a hard thing. And in a way it feels like rejection. And I know that’s not what it is but it hurts! It stole a little piece of my joy and I want to scream! Although … as I told Josiah … it’s only 4 months! And in the meantime Bill said he would continue to pray about it.
In other news … Employee Evaluations are always in February. All of us dread them, hate them, procrastinate as long as possible on completing them. The e-mail came today. We need to turn them in by next Friday. Writing my own is not that bad except that I have been feeling a need to maintain a defensive posture at work for the last 6 months. I don’t know if I should express that or not. And I really don’t want to know what my boss will write about me. I always got excellent evaluations until the gossipers chewed me up and spit me out! Wonder if I could find another job before next Friday?
I told Bert that I had checked into airfare for the Blissdom Conference. He said not to worry about it. He’s looking forward to a little getaway. Just have to hope the cats don’t tear the house down while we’re gone!
I was perusing the BlissDom Newbies page (on Facebook) and noticed a comment that there are some pretty decent fares on SWA right now. Knowing that hubby isn’t entirely thrilled about driving to Nashville and back, and that the transmission is trying to go out in my car, I looked online to see how much it would be to fly. The price came in right around $400 which would probably allow us to pretty much break even. (Gas, meals, an extra night of lodging) But I was still concerned about the Southwest Airlines policy regarding passengers of size (pc for fat people) so I called them. They were NOT reassuring! So … we’re driving! It will be fun babe. Honest!
The last couple of days have been better. Attitude … not atmosphere! It’s has turned cold and rainy here in the Southwest. Of all possible states of the weather cold combined with wet is my least favorite! We have finally caught up on our workload! This time of year is when we usually slow way down so I have great hopes for some wonderful long days of blogging ahead!
I commented to a coworker that I was refusing to allow the little green circle (of doom) to control my attitude. She laughed and said we need to put that on a t-shirt and make it the office uniform! I’m debating making a design that I can have put on mouse pads to give everyone as a goodbye gift (or worst case … Christmas gift)!
I received an e-mail from one of the applications I have out letting me know that they hired someone else but that leaves several still out there. I truly believe that God has a plan to move me from here … in His perfect time! I am trying to be patient!
In my usual manner, putting the cart before the horse, I chose a new image to be the representation of Masterpiece Blogs, added it to my FB page, ordered new business cards with the new image, and THEN decided to figure out how to ask permission to use it! I’m supposed to hear back in the next week or so. Please pray that they approve me! I really LOVE this image! It’s a painting called The Clay by Ron DiCianni. You can see it on my FB page here.
Would you like some REAL paper mail in your mailbox? Something besides junk mail and bills? I sure would! So … I have accepted a challenge to help rescue the US Postal Service. Not really … the actual goal is to put something besides bills and junk mail in the actual physical mailboxes of some of my favorite people. But first I need to obtain your addresses. Yes, yours! You are, each and every one of you, precious to me and I would love to be able to drop a friendly little greeting in the mail for you when you least expect it! Please e-mail your mailing addresses to me at beth {at} bethszimmerman {dot} com. Or you can Inbox them to me on Facebook. (I solemnly promise I will not put you on any mailing lists! And I will add your contact info to my iPad Contacts so that I won’t have to ask repeatedly!) A few of you may be under the mistaken impression that I already have your mailing address. Don’t count on it! I have a tendency to delete first and think later!
This was a bad day. I won’t say that everything that could go wrong did but it surely felt that way! My frustration and unhappiness with my job continues to grow. I have realized the last couple of weeks that my depression seems to ease up sometime during Friday night (while I’m asleep) but comes crashing back late Sunday afternoon. It’s really a miserable way to exist and something needs to change. I really want to be at home full-time again (who doesn’t) but short of a miracle of epic proportions … THAT isn’t happening! I think I could probably make a little money via social media, blog design, etc. but we need the health insurance that is provided by my full-time employment. I’m looking at options but I really think I will have to continue going to a job. So it would be nice to have one where I can be content. (I know. I’m supposed to be content with any circumstances. There are some issues beyond the state of our data entry software, which continues to be a frustration, that I can’t commit to print right now that make that extremely difficult!) We are praying HARD that I will find something before summer. I’ve been looking, and applying, but I don’t have a degree and I was a stay-at-home mom for 20+ years. I don’t regret those decisions but they are working against me right now. I applied for a position in Payroll that I feel well-qualified for but I sent the lady an e-mail today and she said that there are several applicants with significant accounting/book-keeping experience so they probably won’t even interview me. Frustrating. Anyway … I’m home now and I’m going to try to put the issue away until tomorrow.
One of my favorite apps on my iPad is the YouVersion Bible application. So much to love about it! Including the fact that it has encouraged me to read the Bible daily this year. I have tried Bible in 90 Days previously which just didn’t work for me. I was speeding through the reading just to get it done without pausing to take in what I read. The novelty wore off, along with my dedication, in less than a month. One Year Bible plans are more reasonable and I probably could have done one of those. But I wanted to start with something more manageable at which I might actually succeed. So I browsed through the reading plans (there is quite a variety) and chose The Essential 100. And I have been reading every day! I shared that because I thought that was where I found the verse that has me a bit baffled but now I realize it must have been elsewhere because I am still in the Old Testament in that plan. Sorry … new topic …
James 2:15-16
New Living Translation (NLT)
15 Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, 16 and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?
I told you that Erica came by last weekend. To get a hug. That’s what she said and I am choosing to believe her but there are so many more possibilities that plague my mind. Did she come to say good-bye? To raid my supply of pain meds? To take something? Experience has taught me to be dubious and wary … and yet I still love this stranger who used to be my daughter. And I asked where she was living and she said she was homeless. I didn’t know what to say to that. But it came out sounding pretty much like “stay warm and eat well…” And a day or so later I came across this verse. And it made me wonder if *tough love* is a Christlike response.
Erica called and asked if she could come by and give me a hug. Of course I said yes. She came by, grabbed a hug and a piece of pizza, and left again. I think she was sober but I don’t know how to tell anymore. So many lies over the past couple of years. I don’t trust my feelings any more than I do her words. I asked where she is living and she said she’s homeless. How am I supposed to respond to that? We have tried so many times, in so many ways, to help her get back on her feet and she just uses us as long as she can and then moves on … leaving us sad and confused and our house in a mess. I know she is severely depressed and needs help. I just don’t think we have what she needs. And I’m not sure she’s ready to admit how badly she needs help.
As for me … I am doing a LOT better! I think the change in meds, once I adjusted, was a good decision. And I have made daily time in the Word, in prayer, and in praise (thankfulness) a priority and that has helped. Life is still harder than I would CHOOSE but it’s okay … we are still blessed and I can see the blessings!
January 24 – Jesus Calling
If you have the world’s peace – everything going your way – you don’t seek My unfathomable Peace. Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials.
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.
I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
I have to admit … I get this one in my head … but my heart is still struggling. Does God seriously expect me to thank Him for flat tires, network outages, software that doesn’t work, etc? What about strokes, cancer, arthritis pain? Do I have to THANK Him for rebellious adult children, for the disintegration of my family, for my daughter’s drug addiction? I guess it comes back to the same central issue … trust. He is allowing these things in my life for His purposes, to conform me to the image of Christ, to strengthen and mature my faith, to draw me to Himself, etc. He is allowing pain to prosper … not to harm me. And as painful and unpleasant as the hard things are … I should at least choose to be grateful for the work He is doing in me through them! And I should learn to surrender more quickly … quit trying to just survive on my terms … and let Him carry me through on His! He wants to give me peace. But He can only do that when I stop fighting Him.
January 23 – Jesus Calling
It’s all right to be human. … As you live in close contact with Me, the Light of My Presence filters through you to bless others. Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the Knowledge of My Glory shines forth! My strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness.
So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.
Dear brothers and sisters, I have used Apollos and myself to illustrate what I’ve been saying. If you pay attention to what I have quoted from the Scriptures, you won’t be proud of one of your leaders at the expense of another. For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn’t given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
Where does it come from? This innate belief that we have to be strong, independent, self-sufficient people? I’m not sure where it got it’s start but I do know that it has very nearly driven me nuts!
I was a happy stay-at-home mom for 20+ years. I decided that I needed to go to work (primarily to obtain health insurance) 5 years ago. And when I was employed I felt a huge sigh of relief from my husband as part of his burden was lifted. I, on the other hand, began a slow decent into the madness of trying to be all things to all people! For 20+ years I had kept a (pretty close to) spotless home, home educated my children, cooked from scratch, managed the secretarial duties for my husband’s home based business, spent 4 – 6 hours a day at the Gym, and lost 200 pounds. (Those last 2 were in the last couple of years of my at home time.) I also went to church 2 or 3 times a week, worked in AWANA, read voraciously, and was current on my scrapbooking. I wedged a full-time job in there without easing my expectations of myself. And as the laundry and dishes piled up, and the weight piled on, I judged myself harshly for my “failures!”
And in the 5 years since I have been employed we have lived through multiple health crises, financial stress, and the disintegration of our family.
- Bert had a pacemaker implant, 2 carotid artery surgeries, prostate cancer, and a number of small strokes. His health continues to be a concern.
- I had a bad car wreck and was left with whiplash. Arthritis has done a number on my knees and back.
- We were forced, by medical and tax debt, to file bankruptcy.
- Dirk (oldest son) told us emphatically that he no longer wished to be part of our family and we were never to contact him again.
- Erica embraced drugs and withdrew from our family.
- Our 2 grandchildren who had lived in our home (at least 50 % of their entire lives) were suddenly taken away by their custodial fathers.
I judged myself for my failures as a wife and mother.
I have tried so hard to be strong enough. I’m not. It’s too much. And that’s okay …
My weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the Knowledge of His Glory shines forth!
This weekend flew! I had Friday afternoon off (because I had to work Saturday morning) but spent it napping. Yesterday, after work, I caught up on laundry and housework. Today we went to church, to a friend’s home for lunch, and then home for another nap. Made a pot of soup. Watched some tv. Steered completely clear of the computer. Still choosing thankfulness and it is making a difference! I hope to spend part of my lunch hours this coming week catching up on some blogging. We’ll see how it goes. I miss you guys!
I don’t want this post to panic anyone. I really think I am wise, and surrendered, enough to keep making good choices. I just need to document this when I am out of that really dark place …
Yesterday was a bad day that got steadily worse. I was on the defensive all day long trying not to cry and failing miserably. And I read things into every look and word that were probably NOT intended. It seemed that everything went wrong that could and Bert wasn’t feeling well either so we were struggling. I know that he is trying but he doesn’t get how deep this darkness is. He doesn’t understand that *the voices* read a sigh as disappointment or frustration. A frown is always my fault. A complaint about one of my animals is a complaint about me. Any failure becomes a runaway snowball rolling downhill gathering momentum and size as it rolls. And like I said … he doesn’t feel well either so we are in a no win situation.
I was driving home from work yesterday and kept having these impulses to just speed up and drive my car into a cement wall. I would never do such a thing. It’s wrong and the possibility that someone else would get hurt is too great. It just bothers me that on dark days … the impulse is there … and I can’t make it stop. I surrender it to God … every single time … but it comes around again and again. Taunting me.
And then when I was getting ready for bed I picked up a bottle of prescription pain medicine to drop one tablet in my hand. And I sat there for a while looking at the little white capsules in this bottle, the yellow tablets shaped like baseball plates that relax my muscles, and the sleeping pills and I knew … I have the means to end it. Right there in the palm of my hand. And that is scary.
Because what if the darkness gets worse?
For today it has retreated. For today I will choose to find things in which I can rejoice and be glad. Today I will take one step closer to trust and hope that if darker days do come … God will provide and protect! Because as much as I hurt … KNOW that making that choice would hurt those who love me more and I do NOT want to do that to them.
